Okay, that’s off subject. I really meant to talk about lifeguarding. I had been petrified to be a lifeguard, because I dropped out of swimming lessons at age 5, when they made me jump in the deep end before knowing how to swim (what kind of a teacher does that anyway?). I wanted the job, but because of my childhood wounding in the pool, was afraid I’d fail the test.

In the lifeguarding class, they taught us how to save a resistant drowner. This is the type of person who would rather drown the rescuer than be saved. I recall having to use my 5-foot 4-inch, 123-pound frame to wrestle our 200-pound plus, jock-like teacher to the edge of the pool. I managed to “save” him, and I passed the class.

Over the next five summers, I saved hundreds of children, all of whom WANTED to be saved, thankfully.

Sometimes in life or business, we see people drowning. They may be our colleagues, our friends, or even our family members. We want to swim out and rescue them, but we only end up getting dunked in the process. We may have even learned some pretzel-like maneuvers for getting away, and they may work, most of the time. But at what expense? After a while, we grow tired.

Now I’m not suggesting that we should habitually let people drown, but I do believe there is a time when it is either “them or us.” Personally, I’ve learned (from some near misses) that I’d rather stay alive, and save hundreds of children who want to be saved (including my own), than die trying to save the one person who would rather kick at my knees like a wild pony. I’d rather help the people who want my help, then have to explain Ethics 101 to the person who refuses to report their sales to the IRS. I’d rather be in relationships with people who value me, than try to explain to the person who steals apples from me why it might not be a good idea for him, the relationship, or any future pastry business. I’d rather do business with organizations I trust and respect, than injure my neck while trying to look the other way.

We’ve all heard the well-used phrase, “Character is who you are when no one is watching.” The question is, who do you want watching you? Wouldn’t you rather it be the same person who you are watching, and who lives her life by this phrase?

If you are swimming with people who want to flail, or drown you, will you swim away?

Dr. Angelou, you are such an inspiration to so many, exuding goodness and positivity. Now that I have your attention first thing in the morning, I want to know, do you always wake up hopeful and inspired, or do you have to work at it?

Both. That is to say I wake up, so that’s already having done something right. I am 80, so whoever made this statement is absolutely correct; it’s attributed to Art Linkletter and Bette Davis: “Growing old is not for sissies.” It’s absolutely true. And so when I turn over and say, “I didn’t know I had that muscle,” the truth is, the moment I say that, I start to smile. I do have the muscle and I can recognize it and I can even speak about it. So I am very blessed.

What gives you hope today?

I hope that the elected officials come into agreement on this stimulus plan. I hope our country can pick its hat up off the ground again. It seems as if we’ve lost something which is very much a part of being an American, and it is, “Yes I Can.” I said that 25 years ago, that if you wanted to know an American, and to encapsulate an American in three words, it is, “Yes I Can.” I can be as rude and crazy as you can imagine, and on the other hand, I can be as kind and generous and charitable… I can do it. Yes I Can.

You lived through the Great Depression, with your grandmother, who remained successful through her sales of basic commodities at a general store. How did you view the hardship around you during that time?

I didn’t realize that it was a hard time.

In your experience, how was the Great Depression different or similar to the financial crisis we face today?

We’ve become a nation of consumers and shoppers so that we buy things we don’t even need and some things we can’t even afford, and somehow we’ve allowed ourselves to be exiled to things… So “I own this and that’s who I am.” No. That’s that, and you are who you are.

You must have had numerous reasons in your life to be angry.

Oh, yes, I will be angry. I won’t be bitter. See, bitterness is like cancer. So I will never be bitter. I will be angry. Unjust things make me angry.

What do you feel we should do with our justified anger?

Write letters. Protest. Don’t whine. Never whine. Whining lets a brute know that a victim is in the neighborhood. But protest, yes, all the way to the Supreme Court. I will be the tall black lady out there picketing… Yes. I will not condone cruelty. I will not condone unjust actions.

Who or what has been the most influential thing, person, or place in your life?

I’ll tell you a story, and I think about it once a week or maybe more frequently if I’m in certain circumstances. I was raised by my father’s mother, my paternal grandmother, in a little village in Arkansas, and my grandmother owned the only black-owned store in the little village, and there was a window in this store, and my grandmother was very tall and imposing. When she died, she was over six foot, so she probably, to my little size, must have seemed a giant. She would call me… I’d be somewhere in the store. We lived in the store as well, there were bedrooms in the store, and kitchens, all in one building. And she’d call me. I could tell from the way she’d speak my name what was going to happen. I knew I was going to meet a complainer. I would go into the store and she would say, “Just stand right there.” And I’d look out the window, and truly, someone who whined a lot would be coming. My grandmother would greet the person, “Hello, Brother Phillips. How are you feeling today?” And he would say, “I can stand this… It’s so bad it just makes me sweat and I can’t get comfortable and I get so much rash.” And my grandmother would say, “Mmmm, hmmm,” and then look at me, pointedly. Someone would come in another kind of weather– it was cold, or hot– and, complaining, would say, “How do you feel today?” And there would be that complaint …. My grandmother would say “Mmm, hmmm,” and look at me. When the person would leave, my grandmother would call me in front of her and say, “Sister, there are people all over the world, white and black, rich and poor, who went to sleep when this person went to sleep last night, and they never woke up. Their beds have become their cooling boards. Their blankets have become their winding sheets. And they would give anything for just five minutes of what that person was complaining about.

I’ve had so many teachable moments. My grandmother taught me at each one of mine, so that when I said that to you, I could almost hear her saying that to me at 7 years old, and at 12, and at 13.

It seems there is always something to complain about or something to be thankful for.

I know. I have a saying I like to say to my staff, “Try to keep an attitude of gratitude.” To actually say thank you. Thank you that I got up. Thank you that I can feel the floor under my feet. Thank you that I can stand. Thank you that I can say thank you. And if you have any religious belief in a greater being, then you really have something to say.

Do you feel that attitude is important then?

Well yes. I’m saying thanks to God. Thank you… that I turned left instead of turning right and avoided a head on collision. Thank you… for the things I don’t even know I’ve gotten. Thanks to those millions of things I get every day.

Is there anything that you fear?

No, not really. I don’t like to go into people’s houses when they have large threatening dogs. I am really trying to think what I fear… If I did think of something, I wouldn’t give it the strength to name it.

You have said that as humans, we are more alike than not alike. What is the most common thread we all share?

That’s true. Everybody in the world wants a job, a good job, wants to be needed in the job, wants to be paid a little more than she’s worth– not enough to be embarrassed about– but a little more than she thought she was going to get. Everybody wants children, wants healthy children. Everybody– Birmingham, Alabama, Birmingham, England. Everybody wants someone to love. And maybe to get love in return. Everybody. Just having children, that’s hope. Just living, that’s faith that I’m going to have the next breath.

Where we are dissimilar is tangential. I could be Ms. Godfrey and you could be Ms. Angelou. If I had grown up in a certain neighborhood or a certain environment, I would have a certain mindset, I am sure. But there is nothing a human being can feel that I can’t feel or have the possibility of feeling. No matter how heinous the crime, I have to say that if a human being did it, I have within myself all the wherewithal… I intend to use my energy constructively instead of destructively. If I can say that about the negative, then what about the positive, then what about the faith and the hope I can garner from someone who loves somebody, from someone who is trying to make the world a better place? What about me identifying with someone who is charitable?

So it sounds like that gives you hope, to see potential?

Yes, it does.

Some of my very favorite quotes of yours are about courage being the most important of all of the virtues. Do you always feel courageous, or do you need to look to others, or how do you get your courage?

I’m generally courageous. I usually don’t have to question. But if I feel that I need courage, if something happens and I feel I need for courage, then I think about that statement. And I’m a child of God.

What would you tell those who don’t feel so courageous today?

Sit down. Go inside yourself. Don’t look outside for it. Look what you’ve overcome already. And some of the things no one ever knows but you. Some of the harassment and some of the bullying and some of the neglect that you’ve come through already, and still you say “good morning,” and try to keep your body clean and wear clean clothes and speak in a decent voice, and decently, and still you have courtesy, and really do say kind words, and you really are concerned about the baby who is kidnapped, and you are concerned about the woman who has now had 14 children– you really are concerned about her, and the children. And yet look what you have come through, the times you were afraid and lived through that.

Interview originally published in Attitude Digest magazine.

Coach Tony Dungy has had a lot of firsts, as the first NFL coach to defeat all NFL teams, the youngest assistant coach at age 25, the first African American head coach to win the Super Bowl, and the first NFL book author to ever reach the

What role does attitude play in your life?

Attitude is really the key. When you are involved in sports as much as I am, you are going to have wins and losses, ups and downs, and it really depends on your outlook, how you handle both of those things. Attitude goes a long way wherever you are in life, whatever your station. How you look at things really determines a lot of what you’re going to be able to do.

Did you set goals, or how do you go about attaining so many notable accomplishments?

I don’t think I’ve set out to do those things exactly, but I think setting goals is important. One of the things I did…one of the things I think my parents instilled in me…is that you do set goals that you try to reach. Don’t be afraid to set your mind on high goals. I never thought some of those things when I was growing up, even when I started coaching. You know, you want to win the Super Bowl but you don’t think necessarily about it.

How was it different to win the Super Bowl as a player, versus as a coach?

As a coach I think you have a much better understanding about everything that is involved, how difficult it is. You have a greater appreciation for everyone else’s role. It was a thrill both ways but I just think you have a much bigger understanding of everything as a coach. And that’s why it was probably more satisfying to me.

You are a coach who integrates your philosophies off the playing field. What are some of your favorite lessons coaching has taught you about life?

The important thing is to get people working together. That’s how you succeed. You are going to have to bounce back from adversity, in sports and life. Sometimes it’s harder to handle success than it is to handle defeat. When you have tough situations, you tend to go back to work and rectify those. Sometimes when you are winning and everything is going smoothly you can get complacent and that’s when things can fall apart.

You are known for staying calm, even when things don’t go well. How do you stay calm amidst hardship?

I probably learned that from my dad and from the church. Trusting in the Lord, and not only in yourself. My dad always tried to look at things analytically, “How are we going to move forward from the position we are in? How are we going to make things a little bit better?” I learned those lessons from him. I wasn’t always that way.

You have also talked about the importance of improving every week towards one’s goals. How can we measure whether we are improving in our own lives?

I think by setting goals and analyzing and seeing where you are. And again not just by being caught in the trappings of success and thinking, “Things are going well so we must be doing a good job.” But really analyzing, “What did we do well and what did we do not so well?” and looking at it periodically and systemically.

You are also known for your Next Man Up method of coaching, in which you train each player on the team as if he has equal importance. I imaging this would also translate into management-treating each employee equally. As a coach, was this ever difficult for you to maintain, as certain players took the limelight?

Not really. I think it comes back to attitude. My attitude was to try to show everyone on the team that they were important, that their role was critical to us winning, to treat everyone with respect. I think if the leader does that, that transmits to other players, as opposed to saying, “Well, these people are important, these are less important, these people are not important at all.”

You have managed to prioritize your family amidst your career. How have you maintained this balance, in an industry that certainly must challenge you to invest a tremendous amount of time and energy?

It is hard. You put in hours and all those things that go along with the job, but trying to let them know they are important when you do have off time, trying to do things that they really enjoy, trying to incorporate them as much as you can into your work. It’s not always doable, not always easy, sometimes you can, but that helps make them feel a part of it and feel special.

You have been on presidential advisory boards, and started and served in many charities. How do you find so much energy to give?

You get a feel, at least I do anyway, of what’s important and things that do transcend your job; you really do feel like you can put some energy towards that. I’ve always been one who felt that education, young people, Christian outreach, and neighborhood outreach is important—and that’s going to last a lot longer than football careers. That’s always something I’ve been interested in.

You have had a lot of success. Many in your shoes, and in your industry, have sacrificed character to gain success…but you haven’t. How do you stay so steadfast in your character?

To me, I think that’s the critical thing. Whether you have success or don’t, whether you climb the ladder or not, you’re always going to be able to reflect back on who you are as a person. And that’s going to come out, whether you’re successful or not. That’s got to be the most important thing. I’ve always tried to pray about that, make sure I do things with integrity, trying to be the best person I can be all the time, and not necessarily just the most successful.

Can you tell us a little about your book, Uncommon?

It really delves into that: what’s important about life. It’s really if I were having a six hour car ride with someone, to talk about what I think is important about life—integrity, character, helping other people, being a part of a community, being a part of a winning team—really explaining my feelings on that. The title really came from a Bible verse where Christ said don’t follow the wide road, follow the narrow road. Don’t necessarily look to just be average, to go where everyone else is going. Set your sights a little differently; set your sights higher…to be uncommon.

You have experience great loss, such as that of your son at a young age. How can we cope with loss, and learn to find a blessing in it?

The lesson in sports is that you don’t win every game; you don’t go undefeated. God is there in the wins and the losses. He is always there. Sometimes we don’t always draw on that, we don’t always feel that. That’s the great part about sports. When you do lose, you have to bounce back. You have to come back and look forward. To me, that is the big thing about Christian life; you learn from your past but you look forward with anticipation.

Do you ever struggle to stay positive?

Sometimes. I think it’s human nature when you have a tough situations, difficult loses, disappointment. You have to force yourself to stay positive. It’s an attitude. It goes back to the very first question… You can have that positive attitude or you can give into the circumstances. Life is tough and there are times when you will feel like giving in, but you have to look forward and stay positive.

Now that you have retired from coaching, do you have any goals yet to achieve?

Outreach and trying to help the communities that I live in, wherever that’s going to be, Tampa or Indianapolis. Helping young people reach their potential. Seeing if we can help especially with graduation rates, getting people involved in education so they can reach their potential, and spreading the gospel especially in areas where maybe there are people who aren’t going to hear it in a church setting, that you can get the message across.

Interview originally ran in Attitude Digest magazine, Fall 2009

What I mean by this is, what would you do if:

• money didn’t matter
• everything you ever dreamed of doing hadn’t yet been done
• all your fears vanished
• you had all the skills to make it happen
• your hair never got messy and your vision was 20/20
• you had unlimited years left to do it
• you were beautiful, smart, intelligent
• you had a perfect life from day one until now
• you were sure global warming weren’t imminent
• your boss, parent, spouse believed in you more
• the business climate were ripe for your idea
• no one had ever made you think, feel, act as if you couldn’t do that one thing?

It takes many of us a long time to ask ourselves this simple question, because we’re often so worried about what is out there, and what all of those people are doing or thinking, and what we need to do today. If you don’t know the answer to that question, perhaps you can still answer this other simple question, “What would you do today, assuming you could?” and then ask yourself this follow up question, “What might that lead to tomorrow?”

Are you doing that one thing? Or not? Why?

I think wise people ask themselves these questions, and successful people answer them. I’ve interviewed some of these folks, and surprisingly (or not), I’ve seen trends. I’ll publish their interviews over the next six months, but first I want to know: What would you do? Think about it, and let me know.

Hint: The rules are ALL ones that you can do!

I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard others say the same thing. It’s not that we don’t have adequate ears. It’s that they are sometimes too adequate.

While I am scurrying about making dinner, tending to a 4-year-old appetite that simply can’t wait, managing work e-mails that trickle in from a different time zone, and thinking about the pesky hallway trim that needs to be repainted, I sometimes can’t hear the small things… like the satisfaction my older daughter received from winning a reading award earlier that day, or my partner’s supportive glance in my direction, or my perpetually happy yet mud-streaked dog on the doorstep.

This reminds me of business development. As we log on to LinkedIn, or Google various keywords in our market, we can easily become overwhelmed at the quantity of competitive information. It may feel like everyone wants to be the expert, and everyone wants to be heard NOW. (Afterall, I do too.) It may be hard to hear ourselves through all this noise.

The issue I want to address is, what do you do with “competition overload?” What if you get so discouraged looking at all the communications options that you just want to go back to bed? What if you can’t hear through all the noise, and the best option seems to be to head for the river, buy a school bus, and hope to catch enough catfish to survive? Somehow the noise of all those fish squirming about sounds better sometimes than the chatter in our heads about what we should be doing right now.

Whether you work for a large corporation, or are managing your own startup, you are bound to experience that drive to compare yourself to everyone else “out there.” And you are bound, at times, to feel overwhelmed, or concerned that you don’t match up, or won’t match up. It will feel like your ears are working too well, and you can’t hear the REAL message.

My question is, are you listening to what really matters? And what, you ask, really matters? Here are my three cents (or bullet points) on how to cut through the clutter and hear the message that will get you moving again:

1)What do YOU do well? It doesn’t matter if Ieizves Lousdes or John Doe on Twitter also does those things well. Ignore the thousand other people today who do what you do. Focus on your strengths only.

2)What can you do today? You might not be able to deliver on your plan today and rake in your billion dollars, but what can you do? Maybe it’s simply writing your plan, or finding someone who can. Maybe it’s boiling a perfect hard boiled egg. Maybe it’s earning five cents at the lemonade stand. Find competency in your actions today.

3)What ONE thing are you going to listen to right now? Don’t try to monitor every conversation on LinkedIn while writing copy for your next speech and worrying about what your competitor might be doing (he MIGHT be taking a nap, you know). Instead, focus on one area at a time, until it’s complete. Listen to one child at a time, cook one dish at a time, write one web page at a time. Research shows that multi-tasking doesn’t work anyway, so why not try to really focus and see what happens?

Now get working…

Image: PANPOTE / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

1)Forgiveness is very helpful, much of the time. Scientific studies published on places like the Mayo Clinic website have even shown the health benefits of forgiveness– lower blood pressure, less substance abuse, less stress.

2)But I think there is a science to forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean always allowing someone back into our lives to trample on us in the same way. After all, that wouldn’t be healthy, would it? I think enough distance is necessary so that we determine how to set boundaries that protect us from getting in the same mess again. Then, we have the chance to heal, and possibly choose whether to allow this person into our lives again, on our terms.

3)Empathy is key to forgiveness. If we can understand how someone might have been motivated to hurt us, even if we don’t agree with the rationale, we can at least separate ourselves from it being about us.

4)Sometimes, I think forgiveness entails NOT letting that person back into our lives, but simply letting go of the hold he or she had on us. When you are clear about what you can and can’t allow in your life, you can let go of the guilt associated with choosing to “defriend” someone… or you can choose how to cultivate the relationship again in healthy ways. You have options, and you can adjust as you go.

5)There can be power in vocalizing your position to your “perpetrator” (if you are safe, and have no expectations of reciprocation). I once felt very wronged by someone, and years later, I was able to write a note stating that I did not condone what was done, but that I was sorry for my contribution to it, and that I had let it go. I wasn’t letting this person off the hook, but I was letting him out of my mind, so that I could be free to live the best life I could, free from the drama or past. At that moment, I was able to engage with live in a new way (and no, it didn’t happen all in one moment… it was a process… but you get the idea).

Whatever your position, if you find yourself stewing about something that happened, I hope that you can find a way to minimize the negativity. If it’s in the workplace, it’s just as important to be able to think with a clear mind and engage with a clear heart. Sometimes this means letting go, and other times it means finding a way out.  Don’t let yourself talk about the same negative things so often or with such duration that they blind out the good in your life, or paralyze you.

 What are you holding onto today, in the form of a grudge? Who can you forgive, or ask for forgiveness from?

There, she runs across a fox, who is delighted to help her. He compliments her, builds her a nest, lures her to come back day after day, until the eggs are nearly ready to hatch. (Which of us doesn’t like a fox to pay a compliment to us now and then?) At that time, he has a pot prepared, so that he can eat the eggs, and her.

Once she realizes he is out to snatch not only her eggs but her life, it’s nearly too late… except that the barnyard dogs come and wrestle with the wily fox, and take Jemima back home. Later, dear Jemima manages to hatch eggs in her own barnyard, but not too many… because she is still of the nervous ilk.

How often do we grow discontent in our barnyard, thinking maybe we can find the golden egg as soon as we abandon the simple hens in our midst?  Maybe we set off on our own pursuit, thinking if only we could go off to a woodsy hollow somewhere, and use our own devices, surely we’d grow rich. Then the sly fox deceives us, we nearly give away our entire nest full of eggs, and we have to be rescued by the friends and family we originally thought were rather common and not terribly knowledgeable.

Okay, this may be a stretch, but we’ve seen this process manifest in a few ways. Think of the man who decides after 15 years of marriage that he’d rather try someone younger and newer, only to realize in another 15 years that he has lost his relationship with his children. Think about the entrepreneur who believes the get-rich-yesterday scheme, quits his job, and invests his life savings into something like invisible water.

Those may be examples that we can’t relate to, because they are not well enough disguised in potential profit… but I think most of us have enjoyed a risk-taking fantasy at some point. And risk taking is a very necessary part of success. Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, had a very handsome job on Wall Street when he quit to sell books online. What is the key then to making sure your eggs aren’t devoured?

Are you itching to do something bigger and grander, and tempted to venture out into the forest? If you do, please bear these things in mind:

1)You may need those common barnyard dogs. Bring your friends with you. Ask their opinion along the way. And be nice to them (pack plenty of treats).

2)When you meet foxes who charm you with cozy nests, see if they also have big black pots outside. Research your investments. Google the company you are interested in and check for scam reports. Double check the facts that an “expert” tells you on how to market your business online, before committing to more than you would spend on an overeasy egg at the local diner. (Okay, that’s enough about eggs, I promise.) If a deal is really that amazing, it most likely won’t come with a “one day only” offer.

3)If the forest is scary, don’t be afraid to come back to the barnyard for a while. At least you will have had an adventure which you can share with the gossiping goose. (Be sure not to lose your way out there either.)

What adventure are you considering? Who will you choose to trust?

I spent the middle part of today in my garden, checking on my sugarsnap peas, with my 2-year-old, Sierra. We planted these peas with her older sister, Sascha, a few weeks ago. Peas remind me of Oregon, where I’m from. I guess that is because there is an “Oregon Sugarsnap,” which I tend to gravitate towards planting, even here in N.C.

Today, it was time to put up the support for my pea vines. In the past, I’ve used rickety sticks and various things that have tumbled down in the wind. This year, I’m trying four fence posts, with twine interspersed. They are a little short, but they are stronger than those sticks. We’ll see how it goes.

It seems that no matter what support system I use, I always get peas. They are simple, sweet, nutritious, and delicious.

I spent the earlier part of my day in my home office, working. I mulled over the branding needs for a couple of budding writers and entrepreneur clients.

As I start this blog, I’m influenced by the desire to keep the product simple and sweet. It’s easy to get caught up in what a website should look like or what the Twitter Guru of the Universe is saying about the hottest thing in social media, or the number of recipients on your eblast list, but when it really comes down to it, these statistics don’t matter as much as the seeds you are planting, and the fact that you are watering them and intend to eat them.

Focus on the basics. Here are some tips:

1)Do you know who you are, or what you stand for? If not, figure it out. Otherwise, you’ll be reaching outside of yourself to market, and you’ll be spread thin.

2)Do you believe in what you are doing? Do you get so distracted by your work that you forget to send invoices? This is generally a pretty good indicator that you are in the right place.

3)Are you as comfortable telling your grocer about your work, as you are writing about it on Facebook? Social media may seem like the easy way to make a buck, but it’s only part of the mix. You still need to get to know people around you, and provide them with something of value… like sugarsnap peas. This creates an authenticity about what you do, which makes your brand much more solid.

What sort of seeds are you planting? Post your comments.